♫ You Had Privacy, Till Recently... ♫
Topic: Hopefully Humorous

Walt Handelsman of my hometown newspaper reminds us that we shouldn't take things so seriously, besides, what's a little privacy amongst comrades!

Walt Handelsman's N.S.A. Wiretapping

 

 

Scientific Explanation of Hell
Topic: Hopefully Humorous
The following is a question given on a chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some v ariant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, t he volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa, (Cheerleader Captain and Class Valedictorian) during my Freshman year that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night and again this morning, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!!!"

THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A."

Dallas and Becky's First Time, Thanks!

The Righteous Hippie
Topic: Hopefully Humorous
A man who called himself a Christian was proselytizing on a street corner critiquing all the sinners he observed when a man who looked like a hippie crossed his path. The man yelled at the hippie, "Why don't you cut your hair, shave your beard and look like a responsible Christian?"

The hippie paused and thought for a second. He responded, "Didn't Jesus have long hair and a beard?"

The man was finally quiet.

The man who called himself a Christian moved on to have the #1 rated Evangelism television network where he regularly espoused his misinterpretations of the bible and skimmed a little off the top from all the charitable and good-hearted, albeit gullible contributors.

The hippie never thought it was important to accept Christ as his lord and savior but he still lived his life in his image. The hippie hasn’t attained worldly riches but his treasure still awaits him.

The man who calls himself a Christian has already received his treasure.

A Quicke...
Topic: Hopefully Humorous
Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having breakfast at the White House.

The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, "I'd like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit."

"And what can I get for you, Mr. President?"

George W. replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, "How about a quickie this morning?"

"Why, Mr. President!" the waitress exclaims "How rude! You're starting to act like Mr. Clinton! ''

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers...

"It's pronounced "quiche."



(Thanks Maura!)

The Wizard of Odd...
Topic: Hopefully Humorous
From Indy's hometown newspaper,

Walt Handelsman's,
"No place like home"


Thanks Brian!!!

Reagan In His Own Words
Topic: Hopefully Humorous
Those of you who have read The Indy Voice for any length of time are probably aware that Ronald Reagan wasn't my favorite President. So when I received an email from someone in his fan club I couldn't resist the opportunity to retort. I was compelled to publicly respond when the last line of the email read exactly (bolding and capitalization included) like this,

"IF YOU AGREE, PLEASE FORWARD.....IF NOT JUST DELETE."

So, here goes,

Reagan: "The most terrifying words in the English language are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help."

Indy: He's right, I was terrified when he said it.

Reagan: "The trouble with our liberal friends is not that they're ignorant: It's just that they know so much that isn't so."

Indy: Oh yeah and the facts haven't been strange bedfellows in conservative administrations.

Does Nixon's resignation and Iran-Contra refresh any memories?

This from a guy who didn't remember authorizing the sale of missiles to a "terrorist state" so that he could subsidize the "murder, rape, torture, maiming of children, cutting off arms, cutting out tongues, gouging out eyes, castration, bayoneting pregnant women in the stomach, and amputating genitals" of a so-called "freedom fighting" force.

Reagan: "I have wondered at times about what the Ten Commandment's would have looked like if Moses had run them through the U.S. Congress."

Indy: A Christian would say that the Commandments came from God not Moses but hey "there I go again" with that liberal ignorance. Either way I don't think Reagan was aware that the U.S. Congress didn't exist when Moses presented the tablets.

Reagan: "The taxpayer: That's someone who works for the federal government but doesn't have to take the civil service examination."

Indy: You constantly have to remind these guys that taxpayers don't take the civil service exam because they're the boss.

Reagan: "Government is like a baby: An alimentary canal with a big appetite at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other."

Indy: Kind of sounds like the political philosophy of the modern conservative movement. Don't they go around eating up all the things that make this country great and when it's their turn to return the favor all we're left with is a whiner and a stinking diaper.

Reagan: "If we ever forget that we're one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under."

Indy: I'm all for it except my God is evil. Can we be a nation under my God?

Reagan: "The nearest thing to eternal life we will ever see on this earth is a government program."

Indy: ...and glib comments by bad actors.

Reagan: "Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops! moving, subsidize it."

Indy: His view could be summed up in a few short phrases: if it makes something blow up, secretively spend massive amounts of taxpayer dollars for it. If it keeps moving after you've tried to blow it up, deny that you blew it up and secretly spend even more money towards blowing it up. If it stops moving there's nothing saying you can't try blowing it up again.

Reagan: "No arsenal, or no weapon in the arsenals of the world, is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women."

Indy: So when do we stop raising taxes to build bombs?

Reagan: "Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book."

Indy: We're still waiting on that book.

Reagan: "It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first."

Indy: Spoken like a true pimp daddy!

POSITION:
Topic: Hopefully Humorous
TITLE:

Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa

JOB DESCRIPTION:

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities.

Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES:

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION:

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE:

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION:

Get this - you pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS:

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered, this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life if you play your cards right.

Thanks MaryBob, you should know!

The Loaded Gun...
Topic: Hopefully Humorous

As my father would say,
"That's not nice...
it's true but it's not nice."

(Thanks Brian, I always knew you had latent Republican leanings.
Ewwwwww!
That's just so unnatural!)

OFFICIAL ANNOUNCEMENT
Topic: Hopefully Humorous
The government announced today that it is changing its national symbol from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, gives you a superiority complex and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

[Hats Off To A Damn Brit!]

---

RANT!

Just when I had given up all hope that no one else on this planet gets it, John Kerry has suddenly grown a little backbone and has vowed to filibuster Scalito. If this is anything more than just hot air he's going to catch a lot of flack from the dinkleberries on the right (and you know what they're going to say i.e. "every nomination deserves an up and down vote," "this is unprecedented" "blah, blah, blah") but The Indy Voice foresees Kerry getting even more viciously attacked by members of his own party.

Here's my political analysis of this entire situation. Forgetting that filibustering Scalito on ideological issues for preservation of the union is certainly the right thing to do, Kerry's move is politically savvy because it shows the American voter that there is an alternative to the corporate party of the U.S. and that maybe, just maybe, the Democrats do in fact have some balls. Barring the growing of big hairy ones by the remaining set of knuckle headed Democrats their party is going to crash and burn and I for one don't mind getting the fire going! Until Democrats stand up and fight for democracy here at home and for what is rationale, just and fair, the Republicans, who are, need I remind you, a bunch of selfishly myopic, corporate-owned and operated lackeys will continue to increase their monopoly on the federal and state governments which will only further push this country into all-out fascism.

The Republicans like to blame Democrats for everything from the bubonic plaque to athletes foot but those who know better realize that while Republicans only have themselves to blame for the last 35 years of miserable failures they do have a point in that Democrats are to blame because for the most part they have sat around and watched it happen. And the irony is that while some political consultants believe that to act to the contrary would appear to be "radical" and voters don't want that, it would seem to be a major logical oversight when these same Democratic politicians and their political consultant masters miss that Republicans have been promoting their radical corporate/militaristic/individualistic/globalization agendas even as they continue to win election after election.

Wake up folks! Democrats have such a hard time pushing their agenda because 1- they're not financially and ideologically backed by a huge conglomerate of multinational conglomerates 2- this country has never attempted nor does it know anything about "liberal" policies and 3- Democrats today are by and large completely spineless and continually fail to understand that as long as they attempt to maintain their power by maintaining the status quo they are going to lose it and lose it faster than they have been with expedited expedience over the past 25 years.

The Republicans make stands all the time to push their radical conservatism in the interests of big business as they continue to push this country towards the edge of the great abyss, why don't you take a lesson out of their play book and push back with even greater fervor in the interests of the people? Hey, at the very least there's more of us little people than there are of them.

TECH SUPPORT!!! TECH SUPPORT!!!
Topic: Hopefully Humorous
Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!

Thanks,

A Troubled User

______________________________________

REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem.

Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife 1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.

However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program NAG NAG 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0!

WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

Ain't that the truth Lynette!