So Much For Global Warming

Topic: Satire
It's that time of year again and it's inevitable that you're going to hear one of your misinformed conservative friends say something like:

"So much for global warming!"

They usually say this in the middle of a massive record-breaking blizzard. They say this not because they are a meteorological genius who understands the intricacies of modern climatological science but rather because they believe the term implies that there is a liberal tree hugging conspiracy to convince unsuspecting conservatives that Earth is indeed, warming. They are, in a way, correct about the conspiracy that lingers around global warming.

The theory of global warming is controversial in much the same way that the theory of evolution is controversial. They are both theories, just like you are a theory, but the preponderance of evidence points to the very real possibility that global warming is presently taking place. However, there is some level of doubt, about the same level of doubt about the earth being round.

Global warming is real. Human beings cause it and it is affecting this planet in concrete ways. Basically, the theory goes that humans are contributing to the effects of global warming by producing substances that increase the "greenhouse effect". Yes, that does mean things are getting warmer but it doesn't mean that if you live in the North Pole you should break out Pina Coladas and beach chairs. What it does mean is that water is ice at 0 degrees Celsius or 32 degrees Fahrenheit and at 1 degree Celsius or 33 degrees Fahrenheit it's water again. The point is that the raising of global temperatures by 1 degree will have tremendous effects on all the water that is presently ice on the planet Earth.

A couple of years ago at JPL (Jet Propulsion Laboratory, part of NASA) a couple of scientist theorized that if you wanted to create conditions on Mars much like on Earth (terraforming), all you would need to do is ship a couple of Earth's factories to Mars and start pumping out greenhouse gases. The gases would build up in the atmosphere, warm the planet, melt the ice caps, create liquid water, and whippee, we'll have another planet to rape at will. This process may sound familiar to you; it's the same process we've used on Earth to warm the planet. The problem that occurs when you have a planet that has a majority of its surface filled with moving water and suddenly large state size and nation size chunks of freezing water fall into it, well, shit happens. More specifically, the "shit" that happens are things like droughts, floods, extremely powerful storms, temperature swings and basically meteorological chaos. The bad news is we're getting there. The good news is that we may be able to do something about it.

The first step is to admit that we have a problem. Something like "Hello, I'm Earth and I have a gas problem".

Anyway, the next time one of your Rush Limbaugh listening, Sean Hannity spouting, Ann Coulter lusting, willfully ignorant and shamefully indifferent conservative friends say something like "so much for global warming" you can grab your rain coat, your winter jacket, your life vest, your swim trunks and a pair of goulashes, and smirk to yourself because now you know what's coming.

P.S. Warning: beware of doing internet searches related to "global warming" because you'll find many a suspect special interest group trying to dispel the "myth of global warming". Be careful where you get your facts from.

Think about it for a second, do you want your information from Ph.D Smith, the scientist who has nothing to gain by you believing in global warming or by the national consumer rights group who's a tad bit more concerned and more knowledgeable about commerce than they are with science.