Happy Holidays!!!
Topic: Satire
It's that time of year again when conservatives unionize to create the illusion that liberals are evil godless people out to destroy all that is good in the world. And there's nothing that The Indy Voice delights in more than dispelling the myths of the do-dos over at conservative central. So without further ado The Indy Voice would like to re-post what is sure to become a holiday favorite in liberal land. Enjoy and have a "Happy Holiday!"

Jeremiah 10:2-4: "Thus saith the LORD, Learn not the way of the heathen, and be not dismayed at the signs of heaven; for the heathen are dismayed at them. For the customs of the people are vain: for one cutteth a tree out of the forest, the work of the hands of the workman, with the axe. They deck it with silver and with gold; they fasten it with nails and with hammers, that it move not."

This is the original pre-emptive strike at the ignorance that may spew from the unending faucet of misinformation such as those self-important ding-a-lings like Bill O'Reilly, et al.

Christmas is not under attack by liberals, it's under attack by those trying to force it into the halls of government and commerce with disinformation and ignorance. (And by the way O'Reilly, Jesus wasn't a philosopher.) Additionally, there is so much misinformation and incomplete understanding of the origins of Christmas and it's traditions that The Indy Voice believes that it requires some clarification.

Christmas, which is the modern term which comes to us from the late Olde English cristes masse, or "Christ's mass", is celebrated all over the world by both Christians and non-Christians. It is usually celebrated on December 25th, but some celebrate it on January 7th. Some people, such as fundamentalists Christians, believe that Christmas should be celebrated without the heathen accompaniments, such as a tree decorated with lights. Some devout Christians DO NOT celebrate "Christmas".

In ancient Babylon "The Feast of Isis" was celebrated on December 25th and it involved partying, feasting and gift giving; this is more than just a coincidence. Additionally, the Christmas tree tradition, originally called "Paradeisbaum" or paradise trees, dates back to Western Germany in the 16th century. Trees were brought into homes to celebrate the annual "Feast of Adam and Eve" on December 24th. The Christmas tree tradition was brought to America in the 1700's by German citizens but it did not become popular until the 1850's when President Franklin Pierce arranged to have the first Christmas tree in the White House. It was not until 1923 that President Calvin Coolidge started the National Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony on the White House lawn. This ceremony doesn't break the wall of separation between church and state because the act of lighting a "Christmas tree" is entirely pagan in nature even though those doing the lighting are most likely unaware of this.

The Christmas holiday is under attack by the likes of Macy's, not because they will no longer wish their customers a "Merry Christmas" but because they have infiltrated this religious holiday by convincing people that they MUST exchange goods as a show of faith. There is nothing anywhere in the bible that calls for this, yet many secular and non-secular Christians and non-Christians believe that gift-giving is a Christmas imperative. The fact is that all of the Christmas traditions including the Christmas tree, the Christmas ham, the Yule Log, holly, mistletoe, Santa Claus and the giving of presents come directly from pagan traditions.

As to the artificial problem of wishing people a "Merry Christmas" after a purchase of goods, this stems from the belief that "Christ is the reason for the season". He's not. Man is the reason for the season. December 25th (or January 7th) and all the things that go along with the modern day, pagan adopted and man-made traditions, are the reason for the season. In addition to Christmas, Ramadan, Chanukah and Kwanzaa are all being celebrated around the same time this season. Should merchants qualify their customers religious beliefs to make sure that they don't offend? Should merchants wish Jews a Yummy Yom Kippur on the 10th day of Tishri, the Babis a Happy New Year on March 21st, the Jains a Merry Mahavira-mas on April 3rd, and Buddhist a dazzling Dharma day on August 31st? What about the dozens and dozens of holidays, from the dozens of different religions that are celebrated by citizens of this country all year long? How do we address them? Should they be offended when their religious holiday isn't acknowledged by the local purveyor of gifts?(Index of Major Religious Holidays)

Understanding the secular and non-secular origins of Christmas and its relationship to government should make it clear that Christmas should NEVER be entangled with government and self-serving corporations (and TV show commentators). Both are equally capable of destroying a perfectly good religious celebration.

(For more information check out Religious Tolerance)

Obit.
Topic: Satire
A popular political party that rose to tremendous power in the 20th century, the Republican party redefined the nation's political agenda and dramatically reshaped the role of government in the private lives of its citizens.

The resilience of the party was observed throughout such morally testing times as the Nixon resignation and the Iran-Contra affair hearings. The party was symbolized by an elephant and possessed the animal-like quality of stubbornness that was often imitated but never duplicated.

Placing an inordinate amount of "political capital" in an oft repeated but rarely defined term known as "values," the contradiction between the party's actions and its rhetoric on the subject ultimately lead to its demise. The beginning of the end started on November 7th, 2000 with a great revolutionary crisis that eventually caused the party to wind up on the ash heap of history.

The party is survived by 62,040,610 bewildered citizens. Eventually those that supported the party came to learn of its great hypocrisy and strict adherence to its single tenet of profit and power before country.

The beginnings of the schism which ultimately lead to an unrepairable fracture of the party was fostered by the group's recruitment of corporations and the religious right, who's competing interests and dogmas were too diametrically opposed for a public ultimately concerned with political pragmatism. The final shot to the great political beast was administered by the ideologue and capitalist President George W. Bush, who embodied what the party had morphed into, from a pragmatic and benevolent organization into the world's biggest corporate and religious special interest group.

Bush, while leading the party towards the "ash heap," never came to realize that his wanton lust for power and profit would never allow his moral motivations to be ratified. Some claim that this internal tug-of-war was created by Bush's political master, Karl Rove, conclusions cannot be easily drawn except to say that Rove's obvious Machiavellian machinations lead a majority of the public to question the validity of their initial judgement that the party and its leaders were trustworthy. In fact, while many of the religious right claimed that there did indeed exist a morally unambiguous truth, their observations of the Bush administration and the Republican party lead them to believe that truth as the party observed it was malleable and justice would only be dished out to those who dare question the right of the ruler to rule.

At a time when the party held its greatest political power a small minority was calling for a return to the moderation that they believed the party once stood for. Unfortunately the voices of the reasonable were drowned out by those that claimed that the results of the elections were enough for the party to forsake respect for the truth.

The Democratic party issued the following statement,

"We offer our condolences to those unsuspecting souls that were blindsided by these events. You are in our thoughts and our prayers and we wish you the best.

The Republican party was a fierce political adversary and the competitor in all of us will miss their fighting spirit. In years past the Republican party has tried to keep us honest, sometimes more so than we tried to keep ourselves. For this we thank them for their shining example of what becomes of a party that fails to turn that discerning eye inward to introspectively correct faults and remain humble.

The example that has arisen out of the ashes could not be clearer. Whatever organizations come to represent the disparate groups affected by these events will be better off for it. Homage, no matter how bizarre, must be paid posthumously to the Republican party for allowing this much needed evolution and for this we again thank them."

Services will be held at the Lincoln Memorial at 900 Ohio Drive, S.W. Washington, DC 20024. Memorial donations may be made to Amnesty international, Children's Defense Fund, American Civil Liberties Union, the Natural Resources Defense Council, Fairness & Accuracy In Reporting, NAACP, the United Nations, Sierra Club, Human Rights Watch, Greenpeace, Citizens for Tax Justice, and the Public Broadcasting Service.

Thirty-Thousand On A Toilet Seat?
Topic: Satire
When I first heard the news that the Bush administration was going to be closing military bases I was initially gleeful. The prospects of disillusioned Republicans danced in my head. I imagined all the thousands of service men and woman who bought into the Bush bullshit finding out that the guy they thought they knew had just indefinitely relieved them. I thought back to all the comments by all the pinhead conservatives who tried to paint Kerry as the anti-defense candidate.

"He voted against this piece of hardware and this billion dollar gadget that's guaranteed to kill thousands. Oh, the horror!"

The horror indeed. I remember looking at the records of the dark lord Cheney when he was a congressman, and Powell and Bush I back in the day when they were championing the "peace dividend" and advocating cuts in the military that were much deeper than what Kerry voted against. I know the hypocrisy and thought that now the predominantly Republican military would find out the truth.

Then reason kicked me in the head. No news is ever good news, with Bush loose. Sure they're saying that we're going to save $48 billion dollars over 20 years but my question is where are they going to spend the savings. After all this "conservative" President is the most spendthrift commander-in-thief this country has ever known.

Let me take a couple of guesses. How about battle-field nuclear weapons, or maybe the fantasy program that continues under the assumption that it's wise to spend trillions of dollars in the stratosphere for a sci-fi wet dream known as "Star Wars" targeted at stopping Intercontinental Ballistic Missiles?(It's a dream because if it ain't 100% perfect it don't matter) Or better yet, another war or Republican directed government waste that funnels off profit to private companies at the expense of the taxpayers? After all they are Republicans and this is your money we're talking about.

Another thing struck me as odd. Isn't it strange that there is only going to be a savings of $48 billion over 20 years when they're proposing the closing of 180 bases and we spend well over $400 billion a year on the military? I mean where is all the rest of the money going. That's only $13,333,333.34 dollars per base, per year. We spent $420.7 billion on the military last year not including the expenditures for Iraq and Afghanistan (don't get me started). So where did the rest of the $418.3 billion go?

If I'm doing my math correctly and assuming that the military budget stays at the present amount over the next 20 years that means that we'll spend well over $8 trillion protecting this great nation (by the way we kicked King George's ass without a standing army or navy and more recently got our asses kicked not once but twice by 3rd world nations).

$48 billion is like .6% of the total budget.

Let me say that again:

The budgets for 180 bases for the next 20 years equals .6 (YES THAT'S POINT 6) %(PERCENT) of the total military budget.

So my question is where is all the rest of the $7,952,000,000,000 (SEVEN TRILLION, NINE-HUNDRED AND FIFTY-TWO BILLION DOLLARS) going to be spent if it's not being spent on military bases?

Chew on that but here's the list of where it's not going to be spent:

Alaska
Kulis Air Guard Station

Arizona
Air Force Research Lab, Mesa
Allen Hall Armed Forces Reserve Center, Tucson

Arkansas
El Dorado Armed Forces Reserve Center
Stone U.S. Army Reserve Center, Pine Bluff

California
Armed Forces Reserve Center Bell
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Oakland
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, San Bernardino
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, San Diego
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Seaside
Naval Support Activity Corona
Naval Weapons Station Seal Beach, Detachment Concord
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Encino
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Los Angeles
Onizuka Air Force Station
Riverbank Army Ammunition Plant

Connecticut
Sgt. Libby U.S. Army Reserve Center, New Haven
Submarine Base New London
Turner U.S. Army Reserve Center, Fairfield
U.S. Army Reserve Center Maintenance Support Facility, Middletown

Delaware
Kirkwood U.S. Army Reserve Center, Newark

Florida
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Orlando
Navy Reserve Center, St. Petersburg

Georgia
Fort Gillem
Fort McPherson
Inspector/Instructor, Rome
Naval Air Station Atlanta
Naval Supply Corps School, Athens
U.S. Army Reserve Center, Columbus

Hawaii
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Honokaa

Idaho
Navy Reserve Center, Pocatello

Illinois
Armed Forces Reserve Center, Carbondale
Navy Reserve Center, Forest Park

Indiana
Navy Marine Corps Reserve Center, Grissom Air Reserve Base, Bunker Hill
Navy Recruiting District Headquarters, Indianapolis
Navy Reserve Center, Evansville
Newport Chemical Depot
U.S. Army Reserve Center, Lafayette
U.S. Army Reserve Center, Seston

Iowa
Navy Reserve Center, Cedar Rapids
Navy Reserve Center, Sioux City
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Dubuque

Kansas
Kansas Army Ammunition Plant

Kentucky
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Paducah
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Lexington
Navy Reserve Center, Lexington
U.S. Army Reserve Center, Louisville
U.S. Army Reserve Center, Maysville

Louisiana
Baton Rouge Army National Guard Reserve Center
Naval Support Activity, New Orleans
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Baton Rouge
Roberts U.S. Army Reserve Center, Baton Rouge

Maine
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Limestone
Naval Reserve Center, Bangor
Naval Shipyard Portsmouth

Maryland
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Patuxent River
Navy Reserve Center, Adelphi
Pfc. Flair U.S. Army Reserve Center, Frederick

Massachusetts
Malony U.S. Army Reserve Center
Otis Air Guard Base
Westover U.S. Army Reserve Center, Citopee

Michigan
Navy Reserve Center Marquette
Parisan U.S. Army Reserve Center, Lansing
Selfridge Army Activity
W.K. Kellogg Airport Air Guard Station

Minnesota
Navy Reserve Center Duluth

Mississippi
Mississippi Army Ammunition Plant
Naval Station, Pascagoula
U.S. Army Reserve Center, Vicksburg

Missouri
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Jefferson Barracks
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Kansas City
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, St. Louis
Marine Corps Support Center, Kansas City
Navy Recruiting District Headquarters, Kansas
Navy Reserve Center, Cape Girardeau

Montana
Galt Hall U.S. Army Reserve Center, Great Falls

Nebraska
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Columbus
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Grand Island
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Kearny
Naval Recruiting District Headquarters, Omaha
Navy Reserve Center, Lincoln

Nevada
Hawthorne Army Depot

New Hampshire
Doble U.S. Army Reserve Center, Portsmouth
Naval Shipyard Portsmouth

New Jersey
Fort Monmouth
Inspector/Instructor Center, West Trenton
Kilmer U.S. Army Reserve Center, Edison

New Mexico
Cannon Air Force Base
Jenkins Armed Forces Reserve Center, Albuquerque

New York
Armed Forces Reserve Center, Amityville
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Niagra Falls
Carpenter U.S. Army Reserve Center, Poughkeepsie
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Rome
Navy Recruiting District Headquarters, Buffalo
Navy Reserve Center Glenn Falls
Navy Reserve Center Horsehead
Navy Reserve Center Watertown
Niagra Falls International Airport Air Guard Station

North Carolina
Navy Reserve Center, Asheville
Niven U.S. Army Reserve Center, Albermarle

Ohio
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Mansfield
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Westerville
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Dayton
Mansfield Lahm Municipal Airport Air Guard Station
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Akron
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Cleveland
Parrott U.S. Army Reserve Center, Kenton
U.S. Army Reserve Center, Whitehall

Oklahoma
Armed Forces Reserve Center Broken Arrow
Armed Forces Reserve Center Muskogee
Army National Guard Reserve Center Tishomingo
Krowse U.S. Army Reserve Center, Oklahoma City
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Tulsa
Oklahoma City (95th)

Pennsylvania
Bristol
Engineering Field Activity Northeast
Kelly Support Center
Naval Air Station Willow Grove
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Reading
North Penn U.S. Army Reserve Center, Morristown
Pittsburgh International Airport Air Reserve Station
Serrenti U.S. Army Reserve Center, Scranton
U.S. Army Reserve Center Bloomsburg
U.S. Army Reserve Center Lewisburg
U.S. Army Reserve Center Williamsport
W. Reese U.S. Army Reserve Center/OMS, Chester

Puerto Rico
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Humacao
Lavergne U.S. Army Reserve Center, Bayamon

Rhode Island
Harwood U.S. Army Reserve Center, Providence
USARC Bristol

South Carolina
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, Charleston
South Naval Facilities Engineering Command


South Dakota
Ellsworth Air Force Base

Tennessee
U.S. Army Reserve Area Maintenance Support Facility, Kingsport

Texas
Army National Guard Reserve Center No. 2, Dallas
Army National Guard Reserve Center (Hondo Pass), El Paso
Army National Guard Reserve Center, California Crossing
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Ellington
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Lufkin
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Marshall
Army National Guard Reserve Center, New Braunfels
Brooks City Base
Defense Finance and Accounting Service, San Antonio
Lone Star Army Ammunition Plant
Naval Station, Ingleside
Navy Reserve Center, Lubbock
Navy Reserve Center, Orange
Red River Army Depot
U.S. Army Reserve Center No. 2, Houston

Utah
Deseret Chemical Depot

Virginia
Fort Monroe

Washington
1LT Richard H. Walker U.S. Army Reserve Center
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Everett
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Tacoma
U.S. Army Reserve Center, Fort Lawton
Vancouver Barracks

West Virginia
Bias U.S. Army Reserve Center, Huntington
Fairmont U.S. Army Reserve Center
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Moundsville

Wisconsin
Gen. Mitchell International Airport ARS
Navy Reserve Center, La Crosse
Navy-Marine Corps Reserve Center, Madison
Olson U.S. Army Reserve Center, Madison
U.S. Army Reserve Center, O'Connell

Wyoming
Army Aviation Support Facility, Cheyenne
Army National Guard Reserve Center, Thermopolis

Truth In Sarcasm

Topic: Satire
The President, the First Lady and Dick Cheney are flying on Air Force One.

George looks at Laura, chuckles, and says,

"You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugs her shoulders and says,

"Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."

Cheney says,

"Of course, then I could throw one hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and
says to his co-pilot,

"Such big-shots back there... hell, I could throw all of them out the window and make four billion people very happy."

Thanks Ann. Make that four billion and 1.

A Conservative Says...

Topic: Satire
The Indy Voice has received some interesting critiques from a couple of gentlemen who call themselves Americans. Their responses to my statements are as predictable as they are cliche and banal. What is it with conservatives? Do they get an ignoramus kit when they join the he-man everybody-hating club? It sounds like somebody's been reading, Ann "The Blonde Natasha" Coulter's book "50 Ways To Call Liberals Traitors", but these guys have a hard enough time writing.

In about 45 seconds I can come up with every response that these guys will use against liberals for the rest of their hate filled lives. They kind of remind me of that kids toy where you pull the string and it says a cow says "moo!". Except to spin these guys up all you have to do is say something they don't agree with and out pops "A Conservative Says..." (add something here about hating America, Jesus, and the bible and/or loving terrorists, communists or destroying America).

Below is an ever-so-slight caricature of the types of "conversations" or "debates" I've had with conservatives:

Liberal: George W. Bush has consistently lied and created an environment of hysteria to attain political and economic goals that have nothing to do with his stated purpose.

Conservative: (Fighting back tears of rage) You must be one of them there Commie-pinko-socialists assholes and you should move to China.

---

Liberal: The United States government has been responsible for the exact behavior that they claim to condemn. To say this isn't unpatriotic but the epitome of what it means to be an American. In fact, our entire system of government depends upon its citizens not only questioning the government but holding them accountable for their actions.

Conservative: (Thinking about loading their gun) Uh, I don't know 'bout all that but you hate America and Jesus Christ and I don't even think y'all like apple pie. You sound like one of them liberal elites Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh, men of God and true Americans, remind us to hate every day.

---

Liberal: Don't you realize that the actions of George W. Bush have been inconsistent with his rhetoric. He has not united this nation but divided it when he preemptively choose to attack a country that had nothing to do with American directed terrorism. He has failed to direct our resources towards the legitimate threats and he has failed to address security issues that have long been neglected because the industries that would require government regulations and control are the same corporations that have purchased George W. Bush the Presidency.

Conservative: (Thinking that Fox "news" has never mentioned this kind of stuff before) You wanna sodomize Osama Been Ladeen don't cha? You are one American-hating sum' bitch. You just can't stand that George W. Bush, God bless his soul, has the cajones to stand up to those towel heads over there. He's fighting an "away game" so that we don't have to fight here. I say love it or leave it you Commie bastard.

---

Liberal: While I myself am not a Christian I can respect the true teachings of Jesus Christ. His true teachings are the truth that is represented in many of the worlds great religions. I don't have a problem with Christians or Christianity, I have a problem with those greed consumed capitalist that call themselves Christians who are destroying not only a great religion but a great country. Unregulated capitalism is not in the constitution and the constitution is not in the bible nor is the constitution based on the bible.

Conservative: I knew it! You are a pinko, Jesus-hating Commie. You're aidin and abettin them damn terrorists! It doesn't say God Bless America in the bible for nothing. God loves America and he hates towel heads, sand niggers, fags, kikes, dikes and liberals like you. I feel sorry for you. You're nothin but a weak terrorist sympathizer.

---

Liberal: I find it very hard to support a man who claims to despise people who use violence for political and economic ends, "terrorists" as he likes to call them, but then turns around and needlessly and violently destroys a country in an ill-advised search for WMD. Furthermore this President has consistently lied to the American people about the reasons for war. The senate authorized the use of force solely based upon the stated purpose of finding WMD. When none were found this President never apologized or admitted making a mistake, he just changed the reasons for war.

Conservative: (Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!)

Liberal: Boy, did you miss the point. It's a damn good thing your shooting is as flawed as your thinking!

---

While I've never been shot at (not yet), why does almost every "conversation" or "debate" with a conservative go something like this? And I'm the irrational and emotional liberal, right?

Tales Of The Bizarro World

Topic: Satire
It seems to me that at a time like this the CBS news non-story is extremely problematic not to CBS but to all the other news organizations who have been repeatedly failing to do their jobs. Just in case you haven't heard or don't know about what has happened at CBS let me explain. A politically motivated gentlemen handed CBS producers a couple of forged documents to REINFORCE a case that they already had, heaping atop the evidence that showed that our President is indeed an irresponsible coward who went AWOL from the National Guard. The documents were forged, the rest of the story was true.

Did "concerned" citizens seize upon the veracity of the rest of the story? No. The story became about forged documents and not about the hypocrisy of a, pardon the french, pussy President, who's political operatives were going around calling a decorated Vietnam war vet, a traitor. Only in "bizarro world".

What's ironic about this whole thing is that it has been recently reported by USA Today that a conservative pundit by the name of Armstrong Williams has accepted $240,000 from the Bush administration's Department of Education to "promote" No Child Left Behind. The irony is that the Bush administration acknowledges this taxpayer funded "covert propaganda" with a shrug and a statement:

"permissible use of taxpayer funds under legal government contracting procedures."

The Dan Rather/CBS story didn't affect my life at all but my taxes paid Armstrong Williams and who knows how many other conservative pundits to promote a Bush administration governmental program. Add to all this that the CBS non-story is probably going to lead to journalists, who by and large have taken an extended break from being journalists, to be less aggressive and more concerned with losing their jobs. This means that we all should expect to see more "news" stories about J.Lo and Paris Hilton and whether or not a love triangle was the reason for the breakup between Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston. These types of stories should continue to dominate the news headlines, at least until CNN gets some forged documents from an romantically-motivated Angela Jolie, forever ruining the perception of news agencies as being "fair and balanced" and always right, all the time. Then we can expect news to include stories about the sky being blue and water being wet. This will all continue until a left-leaning President is elected and then the same conservatives that are calling for the heads of CBS news producers will be asking for a return to investigative journalism so that we can get to the bottom of cigars, dresses, interns and white lies.

Free From Fear

Topic: Satire
You know I'm sure it's just coincidental but I was wondering when we were going to hear something about the terrorists after the election. We had Thanksgiving, Christmas and we are now upon New Years and I haven't heard one report of a terrorists threat. I distinctly remember the holidays last year and there were multiple threats about us being attacked and the newest threat was in England. I read newspapers, watch cable network news and read multiple independent news sources every single day, all day, and I haven't heard a single threat against the motherland. I also remember the commander-in-chief (chuckle) continually reminding us of the ever-present threat we faced and how it wasn't going to go away.

Maybe the threat that we face today is equal to what it was last holiday or equal to the threat we faced the day before 9/11. Is the terrorist threat gone or is communicating unsubstantiated threats no longer politically advantageous?

Have a free from fear Happy New Year.

So Much For Global Warming

Topic: Satire
It's that time of year again and it's inevitable that you're going to hear one of your misinformed conservative friends say something like:

"So much for global warming!"

They usually say this in the middle of a massive record-breaking blizzard. They say this not because they are a meteorological genius who understands the intricacies of modern climatological science but rather because they believe the term implies that there is a liberal tree hugging conspiracy to convince unsuspecting conservatives that Earth is indeed, warming. They are, in a way, correct about the conspiracy that lingers around global warming.

The theory of global warming is controversial in much the same way that the theory of evolution is controversial. They are both theories, just like you are a theory, but the preponderance of evidence points to the very real possibility that global warming is presently taking place. However, there is some level of doubt, about the same level of doubt about the earth being round.

Global warming is real. Human beings cause it and it is affecting this planet in concrete ways. Basically, the theory goes that humans are contributing to the effects of global warming by producing substances that increase the "greenhouse effect". Yes, that does mean things are getting warmer but it doesn't mean that if you live in the North Pole you should break out Pina Coladas and beach chairs. What it does mean is that water is ice at 0 degrees Celsius or 32 degrees Fahrenheit and at 1 degree Celsius or 33 degrees Fahrenheit it's water again. The point is that the raising of global temperatures by 1 degree will have tremendous effects on all the water that is presently ice on the planet Earth.

A couple of years ago at JPL (Jet Propulsion Laboratory, part of NASA) a couple of scientist theorized that if you wanted to create conditions on Mars much like on Earth (terraforming), all you would need to do is ship a couple of Earth's factories to Mars and start pumping out greenhouse gases. The gases would build up in the atmosphere, warm the planet, melt the ice caps, create liquid water, and whippee, we'll have another planet to rape at will. This process may sound familiar to you; it's the same process we've used on Earth to warm the planet. The problem that occurs when you have a planet that has a majority of its surface filled with moving water and suddenly large state size and nation size chunks of freezing water fall into it, well, shit happens. More specifically, the "shit" that happens are things like droughts, floods, extremely powerful storms, temperature swings and basically meteorological chaos. The bad news is we're getting there. The good news is that we may be able to do something about it.

The first step is to admit that we have a problem. Something like "Hello, I'm Earth and I have a gas problem".

Anyway, the next time one of your Rush Limbaugh listening, Sean Hannity spouting, Ann Coulter lusting, willfully ignorant and shamefully indifferent conservative friends say something like "so much for global warming" you can grab your rain coat, your winter jacket, your life vest, your swim trunks and a pair of goulashes, and smirk to yourself because now you know what's coming.

P.S. Warning: beware of doing internet searches related to "global warming" because you'll find many a suspect special interest group trying to dispel the "myth of global warming". Be careful where you get your facts from.

Think about it for a second, do you want your information from Ph.D Smith, the scientist who has nothing to gain by you believing in global warming or by the national consumer rights group who's a tad bit more concerned and more knowledgeable about commerce than they are with science.

Love It? Then Leave It...

Topic: Satire
This is for all you conservatives out there: if you love America, then leave it, go to Canada, and find out what true liberal policies can do when implemented in a country (and incidentally what the founding ideals of this country were <--- notice the "were") and then come back and put this country on the "right" course.

Now I know what your saying, you nationalistic, country-ego-maniac, that thinks the good ole' US of A is the best country in the world because we spend $450 billion dollars a year on a military that lost to 3, 3rd world countries. What makes this country great is the values and ideals that it was founded upon and nowhere in those founding documents does it say that we should be "nation building", a modern day word for imperialism. Nor did it say anything about codeifying one's religious beliefs into law. And it does specifically allow all groups and individuals equal protection and rights under the law.

After the closest won election by any incumbent in the history of our country, there is much debate over what is wrong with the Democratic party. I'll tell you what the problem is: the Democrats haven't failed because they've gone too far left they've failed because they haven't gone far enough. When you look at the political spectrum on the left you have liberals, on the right you have conservatives, and then there is everybody in between. Most people forget that if you go to the extreme on the left you get socialism, which is defined as:

A theory or system of social reform which contemplates a complete reconstruction of society, with a more just and equitable distribution of property and labor.

On the right extreme you get fascism, which is defined as:

A system of government marked by centralization of authority under a dictator, stringent socioeconomic controls, suppression of the opposition through terror and censorship, and typically a policy of belligerent nationalism and racism.

So ask yourself, would you rather a government that was either fascists or socialist, or leaned one way or the other. I don't know about you but the answer is pretty obvious to me. I would rather pay higher taxes that go to build-up people instead of building bombs that terrorize people from other countries with the imposed will of our minority.

I have news for those of you that consider yourself a conservative, (you're probably a neo-conservative but that's another story), your philospy is contradictory to what this country was founded upon. So I say if you love it, leave it, go to Canada and come back.

Here's a taste of what you'll find over there:

High quality of life. Low crime rates. Progressive social policies. A strong economy.

There's a lot to love about Canada. Here are just some of the reasons why you might want to join us:

Medicare
Canada enjoys a publicly-funded health care system that guarantees all Canadians coverage for medically necessary services in a timely fashion no matter where they live in the country.

Foreign Policy
Canada treasures its reputation as a peacekeeper and provider of humanitarian aid around the world. As a strong supporter of multilateralism, Canada elected not to send troops to Iraq when the United Nations Security Council failed to pass a resolution to intervene with military force.

Environmental Policy
Canada has ratified the Kyoto Protocol and committed itself to reducing greenhouse gas emissions by 240 million metric tons a year by 2010. Canada has also undertaken the largest conservation agreement in the world by promising to protect approximately 600 million hectares of northern boreal forest which account for more than half of the country's land base. The western province of British Columbia in 2002 exceeded the UN biodiversity target by putting 13% of its land into protected parks.

Gay Rights
Canada is a world leader in recognizing rights for gays and lesbians. The Canadian Human Rights Act prohibits discrimination on the basis of sexual orientation. Same-sex common-law couples have the same rights, benefits and obligations as common-law heterosexual couples under Canadian law. Same-sex marriages are now legal in six provinces (Ontario, British Columbia, Quebec, Manitoba, Nova Scotia, Saskatchewan) and one territory (the Yukon). Same-sex couples are allowed to adopt children in four provinces (Ontario, British Columbia, Alberta, Nova Scotia).

Drug Policy
Canada was the first country to allow and regulate the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. A Senate Committee report released in 2002 recommended the legalization of marijuana; the Canadian Medical Association and the Canadian Association of Chiefs of Police both support the decriminalization of marijuana; and the federal government has committed to introducing a bill to decriminalize possession of small amounts of marijuana.

Abortion Rights
Canada has no law restricting abortion, which is considered a medical procedure and is subject to medical regulations.

Gun Control
Canada prides itself as a country with relatively little violence that is committed to maintaining public safety. Under the Firearms Act, every firearm in the country must be registered and all Canadian gun owners must be licensed. It is illegal to lend a firearm to someone who does not have a valid Firearms License. Visitors to Canada are also subject to the Firearms Act. They must apply for a temporary firearms license and declare any firearms they bring into the country.

Cultural Diversity
Unlike the "melting pot" concept of the United States where cultural heritage is always secondary to the larger American identity, Canada considers its culture a colourful mosaic, where everyone's heritage is a vibrant component to be celebrated and cherished. Secure and comfortable in our diversity, multiculturalism has become a cornerstone of the Canadian identity. In fact, the United Nations has named Toronto, Canada's largest city, the most multicultural city in the world. Officially a bilingual country, Canadians have the right to federal government services in both English and French.

NO Capital Punishment
Canada abolished capital punishment in 1976 after a parliamentary free vote. By contrast, the death penalty is a sentencing option in the United States, both federally and in 38 states. (Amnesty International considers the death penalty a human rights violation.)

NO Federal Deficit
Canada is the only G7 country to run seven consecutive surplus budgets. It has not run a federal deficit since 1996-97. The United States deficit is expected to reach $422 billion in 2004.

Sounds a lot like a country that values justice and an equitable distribution of property and labor and not a whole hell of a lot like the direction that this country is taking. You can read more about moving to Canada by following this link Canadian Alternative.

P.S. Incidentally Canadian Alternative formed after the election, due to tremendous demand.

P.P.S. All you neo-cons probably won't make it into Canada, in fact, this is the only country that will accept having somebody like you living in it, so I ask you to please stay in those central states and away from the coasts. Thank You.

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And now a message from our beloved President to all the American people and the world:

Tumultuous Period

Topic: Satire
Let's play a little game of who said what, and why.

Who said:

"A little patience, and we shall see the reign of witches pass over, their spells dissolve, and the people, recovering their true sight, restore their government to its true principles. It is true that in the mean time we are suffering deeply in spirit, and incurring the horrors of a war and long oppressions of enormous public debt ... If the game runs sometimes against us at home we must have patience till luck turns, and then we shall have an opportunity of winning back the principles we have lost, for this is a game where principles are the stake."

Was it some liberal? ... Hum?

Maybe Michael Moore? Nah, too eloquent and sophisticated. Maybe Al Franken? Nah, Air America and radio doesn't allow for such long soliloquys.

Here's a hint: If you guessed a liberal you'd be correct. But which liberal? There's just so many of them.

George Washington did you say? No. Jesus? Nope. Moses? No. Nelson Mandela? Try again. Gandhi? Wrong. Martin Luther King Jr.? No. Jesse Jackson? Wrong again. John F. Kennedy? Nope. Roosevelt? No. Ben Franklin? Getting closer.

We could go all day like this, there's just so many of them now and throughout our great history. Hell, America itself was a liberal idea!

The answer is Thomas Jefferson. This was in a letter to John Taylor on June 4, 1798. But the real question is why would you even consider that this was a quote of a contemporary speaker?

Damn, I hope this didn't get you thinking.

The letter was in response to the creation of "The Sedition Act of 1798".(Below)

An Act in addition to the act, entitled "An act for the punishment of certain crimes against the United States."

SECTION I Be it enacted . . ., That if any persons shall unlawfully combine or conspire together, with intent to oppose any measure or measures of the government of the United States, which are or shall be directed by proper authority, or to impede the operation of any law of the United States, or to intimidate or prevent any person holding a place or office in or under the government of the United States, from undertaking, performing or executing his trust or duty; and if any person or persons, with intent as aforesaid, shall counsel, advise or attempt to procure any insurrection, riot. unlawful assembly, or combination, whether such conspiracy, threatening, counsel, advice, or attempt shall have the proposed effect or not, he or they shall be deemed guilty of a high misdemeanor, and on conviction, before any court of the United States having jurisdiction thereof, shall be punished by a fine not exceeding five thousand dollars, and by imprisonment during a term not less than six months nor exceeding five years; and further, at the discretion of the court may be holden to find sureties for his good behaviour in such sum, and for such time, as the said court may direct.

SECTION 2 That if any person shall write, print, utter. Or publish, or shall cause or procure to be written, printed, uttered or published, or shall knowingly and willingly assist or aid in writing, printing, uttering or publishing any false, scandalous and malicious writing or writings against the government of the United States, or either house of the Congress of the United States, or the President of the United States, with intent to defame the said government, or either house of the said Congress, or the said President, or to bring them. or either of them, into contempt or disrepute; or to excite against them, or either or any of them, the hatred of the good people of the United States, or to excite any unlawful combinations therein, for opposing or resisting any law of the United States, or any act of the President of the United States, done in pursuance of any such law, or of the powers in him vested by the constitution of the United States, or to resist, oppose, or defeat any such law or act, or to aid, encourage or abet any hostile designs of any foreign nation against the United States, their people or government, then such person, being thereof convicted before any court of the United States having jurisdiction thereof, shall be punished by a fine not exceeding two thousand dollars, and by imprisonment not exceeding two years.

SECTION 3 That if any person shall be prosecuted under this act, for the writing or publishing any libel aforesaid, it shall be lawful for the defendant, upon the trial of the cause, to give in evidence in his defence, the truth of the matter contained in the publication charged as a libel. And the jury who shall try the cause, shall have a right to determine the law and the fact, under the direction of the court, as in other cases.

SECTION 4 That this act shall continue to be in force until March 3, 1801, and no longer....

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And now a message from our beloved President to all the American people and the world: