A Conservative Says...
Topic: Satire
The Indy Voice has received some interesting critiques from a couple of gentlemen who call themselves Americans. Their responses to my statements are as predictable as they are cliche and banal. What is it with conservatives? Do they get an ignoramus kit when they join the he-man everybody-hating club? It sounds like somebody's been reading, Ann "The Blonde Natasha" Coulter's book "50 Ways To Call Liberals Traitors", but these guys have a hard enough time writing.
In about 45 seconds I can come up with every response that these guys will use against liberals for the rest of their hate filled lives. They kind of remind me of that kids toy where you pull the string and it says a cow says "moo!". Except to spin these guys up all you have to do is say something they don't agree with and out pops "A Conservative Says..." (add something here about hating America, Jesus, and the bible and/or loving terrorists, communists or destroying America).
Below is an ever-so-slight caricature of the types of "conversations" or "debates" I've had with conservatives:
Liberal: George W. Bush has consistently lied and created an environment of hysteria to attain political and economic goals that have nothing to do with his stated purpose.
Conservative: (Fighting back tears of rage) You must be one of them there Commie-pinko-socialists assholes and you should move to China.
Liberal: The United States government has been responsible for the exact behavior that they claim to condemn. To say this isn't unpatriotic but the epitome of what it means to be an American. In fact, our entire system of government depends upon its citizens not only questioning the government but holding them accountable for their actions.
Conservative: (Thinking about loading their gun) Uh, I don't know 'bout all that but you hate America and Jesus Christ and I don't even think y'all like apple pie. You sound like one of them liberal elites Pat Robertson and Rush Limbaugh, men of God and true Americans, remind us to hate every day.
Liberal: Don't you realize that the actions of George W. Bush have been inconsistent with his rhetoric. He has not united this nation but divided it when he preemptively choose to attack a country that had nothing to do with American directed terrorism. He has failed to direct our resources towards the legitimate threats and he has failed to address security issues that have long been neglected because the industries that would require government regulations and control are the same corporations that have purchased George W. Bush the Presidency.
Conservative: (Thinking that Fox "news" has never mentioned this kind of stuff before) You wanna sodomize Osama Been Ladeen don't cha? You are one American-hating sum' bitch. You just can't stand that George W. Bush, God bless his soul, has the cajones to stand up to those towel heads over there. He's fighting an "away game" so that we don't have to fight here. I say love it or leave it you Commie bastard.
Liberal: While I myself am not a Christian I can respect the true teachings of Jesus Christ. His true teachings are the truth that is represented in many of the worlds great religions. I don't have a problem with Christians or Christianity, I have a problem with those greed consumed capitalist that call themselves Christians who are destroying not only a great religion but a great country. Unregulated capitalism is not in the constitution and the constitution is not in the bible nor is the constitution based on the bible.
Conservative: I knew it! You are a pinko, Jesus-hating Commie. You're aidin and abettin them damn terrorists! It doesn't say God Bless America in the bible for nothing. God loves America and he hates towel heads, sand niggers, fags, kikes, dikes and liberals like you. I feel sorry for you. You're nothin but a weak terrorist sympathizer.
Liberal: I find it very hard to support a man who claims to despise people who use violence for political and economic ends, "terrorists" as he likes to call them, but then turns around and needlessly and violently destroys a country in an ill-advised search for WMD. Furthermore this President has consistently lied to the American people about the reasons for war. The senate authorized the use of force solely based upon the stated purpose of finding WMD. When none were found this President never apologized or admitted making a mistake, he just changed the reasons for war.
Conservative: (Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!)
Liberal: Boy, did you miss the point. It's a damn good thing your shooting is as flawed as your thinking!
While I've never been shot at (not yet), why does almost every "conversation" or "debate" with a conservative go something like this? And I'm the irrational and emotional liberal, right?
Posted by The Indy Voice
at 4:02 PM EST
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Updated: Tuesday, 25 January 2005 11:27 PM EST
Updated: Tuesday, 25 January 2005 11:27 PM EST