The Problem With Penises
Topic: Satire
You may have heard it said that this is the "most important election of our lifetime". Have you noticed that no one tells you why? What's interesting about this statement is that both sides overwhelmingly agree but do so for completely different reasons. The prevailing belief by the one side is that if a man of weak character, a Vietnam traitor, and a vacillating liberal like John Kerry is elected President it will be asking for more terrorists attacks. The other side believes that if you elect a sanctimonious and self-righteous arrogant know-nothing like George Bush, he may succeed in blowing up the world just yet. Some think that our domestic policy under the direction of the "other" candidate is asking for calamity.

The situation is analogous to the problem with penises. Some say that it's the size that matters. Some say it's the "motion of the ocean" not the "size of the ship" that counts. Most males think, or at least talk like the have big ones, but rarely does a man talk about his superb "motion". That would be a dead give away to his diminutive size.

There is a basic difference between these 2 men in terms of how they talk about their penises. Of course, people subconsciously recognize that strength is a metaphor for penis size. According to the followers of George Bush, he has an insanely huge one and that qualifies him to be President and John Kerry has a very small one. The followers of John Kerry recognize that it is usually the man that walks around talking about his huge member, that has neither the supreme "motion" or "size".

Examples of metaphorical penis size comparisons in our foreign policy have been exhibited throughout the history of our country (and the world). Ronald Reagan is credited by some with causing the collapse of the U.S.S.R. What most people don't realize is that when Reagan looked over and saw the size of Kruschev's member he got jealous. He wanted his to be at least equal in size to Kruschev's. So Reagan embarked upon a dangerous cold war game of catch up. He saw how large the Russian's cock was and instead of realizing that eventually he was going to become a eunuch, just like Kruschev wound up, Reagan decided to join him. After seeing what happened to the Russians due to their artificially inflated penis and the resulting bursting, did we change our ludicrous policies.

Now you make think that this penis comparison is crazy, but anyone who has boys or has seen a boy at the moment of discovery of their penis, understands. When a boy discovers his penis he pisses all over everything. Then he realizes that other boys have penises and they either have contests (a.k.a. pissing contests) to see who can shoot the furthest, or they compare the size.

You see the reason why this election is so important revolves around penises. One man thinks his is bigger than everyone else's and doesn't care if he whips it out and pisses all over you. He believes that his penis qualifies him as a strong capable leader. He doesn't recognize that other men have bigger penises despite their humility. He doesn't get that smaller membered men can "do it" better than him.

Now the verdict is still out on the question of size v. motion, but what is dangerous about having a prick for President who thinks it's the biggest and the best, is in the words of my father, crazy, because someone is always bigger and better.