The Problem With Penises
Topic: Satire
You may have heard it said that this is the "most important election of our lifetime". Have you noticed that no one tells you why? What's interesting about this statement is that both sides overwhelmingly agree but do so for completely different reasons. The prevailing belief by the one side is that if a man of weak character, a Vietnam traitor, and a vacillating liberal like John Kerry is elected President it will be asking for more terrorists attacks. The other side believes that if you elect a sanctimonious and self-righteous arrogant know-nothing like George Bush, he may succeed in blowing up the world just yet. Some think that our domestic policy under the direction of the "other" candidate is asking for calamity.

The situation is analogous to the problem with penises. Some say that it's the size that matters. Some say it's the "motion of the ocean" not the "size of the ship" that counts. Most males think, or at least talk like the have big ones, but rarely does a man talk about his superb "motion". That would be a dead give away to his diminutive size.

There is a basic difference between these 2 men in terms of how they talk about their penises. Of course, people subconsciously recognize that strength is a metaphor for penis size. According to the followers of George Bush, he has an insanely huge one and that qualifies him to be President and John Kerry has a very small one. The followers of John Kerry recognize that it is usually the man that walks around talking about his huge member, that has neither the supreme "motion" or "size".

Examples of metaphorical penis size comparisons in our foreign policy have been exhibited throughout the history of our country (and the world). Ronald Reagan is credited by some with causing the collapse of the U.S.S.R. What most people don't realize is that when Reagan looked over and saw the size of Kruschev's member he got jealous. He wanted his to be at least equal in size to Kruschev's. So Reagan embarked upon a dangerous cold war game of catch up. He saw how large the Russian's cock was and instead of realizing that eventually he was going to become a eunuch, just like Kruschev wound up, Reagan decided to join him. After seeing what happened to the Russians due to their artificially inflated penis and the resulting bursting, did we change our ludicrous policies.

Now you make think that this penis comparison is crazy, but anyone who has boys or has seen a boy at the moment of discovery of their penis, understands. When a boy discovers his penis he pisses all over everything. Then he realizes that other boys have penises and they either have contests (a.k.a. pissing contests) to see who can shoot the furthest, or they compare the size.

You see the reason why this election is so important revolves around penises. One man thinks his is bigger than everyone else's and doesn't care if he whips it out and pisses all over you. He believes that his penis qualifies him as a strong capable leader. He doesn't recognize that other men have bigger penises despite their humility. He doesn't get that smaller membered men can "do it" better than him.

Now the verdict is still out on the question of size v. motion, but what is dangerous about having a prick for President who thinks it's the biggest and the best, is in the words of my father, crazy, because someone is always bigger and better.

A Dedication To The NeoCons
Topic: Satire
This goes out to all you Neo-Cons out there:

Chickenhawk Song

Check out more of these groovy hits at: Roy Zimmerman

Just The Facts
Topic: Satire
The FACTS are always a good thing at any time of the year but especially when you have a seriously misleading and completely wrong President on a number of different issues:

Hey Cheney, it's factcheck.ORG

... not factcheck.COM

P.S. Just notice (clicking on factcheck.org above) that Kerry does get some things wrong but they're typically not materially incorrect. For instance, Kerry said that the President has presided over the loss of 1.6 million jobs. Kerry would be correct if he had added that the President has presided over the loss of 1.6 million "private sector" jobs. I'm sure he's very sorry for that misstatement. Overall the President has presided over the loss of 821,000 total jobs, when you include governmental employes the number is cutting in half but a loss, is a loss, is a loss.

P.P.S. George Bush is so out-of-touch he doesn't remember that he does in fact own a Timber-growing company. He also doesn't know his customers and disclosures well enough to know that John Kerry not only knows that he owns this type of business but he also knows his customers better, like the 1 customer who paid out $84 to Bush's company.

Somewhere Over The Rainbow
Topic: Satire
Over the past 2 weeks, in the State of New York, 250 civilians and 29 police officers have been killed. There have been, on average, 70 brutal and deadly attacks daily. There have been sophisticated ambushes and simple attacks, like children throwing Molotov cocktails at police cars. No one area has been free from these attacks. In fact there are complete cities within New York that are completely off limits to police or National Guard members. Exacerbating the problems is that the National Guard is stretched to the max because the Governor has also involved them with the reconstruction of the South from the hurricane damage.

You may, at this point, be asking yourself why you haven't heard anything about what has been going on in New York. The reason is obvious and devious. Governor George Pataki is in an election year fight for his life. The polls narrowly show him ahead of his opponent. Though Pataki's opposition is running around trying to tell anyone he can about the major problems in New York, Pataki's political self-interest involves minimizing any problems that are occurring on his watch. Pataki has wisely, however materially inaccurate, succeeded in convincing the citizens of New York that his Democratic opponent is a liar and not to be believed. Pataki has even enlisted the help of Mayor Bloomberg to convince the people that New York is safe and getting safer.

It appears to many objective sources that the election process itself is not going to be possible for many New York citizens. Many are complaining that since the majority of the off-limit areas are in low-income African American neighborhoods, where people are for the Democratic candidate 9 to 1, the elections are going to be skewed in favor of Pataki. Additionally, many of the experts have concluded that this conflict will easily last a minimum of 10 years. They also believe that the costs for this conflict coupled with the controversial policies of the Pataki administration offering substantial and massive tax breaks to businesses that are already profitable, may bankrupt the entire State.

Unfortunately at this crucial and tenuous period in the history of New York State, many of the biggest press outlets, including the most watched Television network, have turned a blind eye to the realities of what is taking place on the ground. The press, instead of reporting the actual facts, have resorted to reporting the statements of the 2 candidates without vetting them. They've largely ignored some of the most important issues where human life is at stake because they're too busy concentrating on sound bites, the newest hurricane or celebrity trial. Ultimately it is not the fault of the press but rather the responsibility of the citizens of New York to choose, by way of the almighty dollar, that they want the truth not entertainment. Until the citizens demand the truth, no matter how ugly it may be, situations the likes of which are presently being felt in New York will continue and extend to other states where the population has ignored reality.
_____________________________________________________

New York, a State that is roughly the same size and population of Iraq, is not presently experiencing the problems described above. The facts and situations described above represent exactly what has occurred in Iraq over the past 2 weeks.

Could you ever imagine an analogous situation to what is going on in Iraq right at this very moment playing out on the streets of a state like New York and have the Governor largely ignore the realities of what is going on? Picture your town for a moment. Think about what it would be like to have rocket propelled grenade or suicide car bomber attacks. If your President or Prime Minister were attempting to minimize your pain, and your fear of your reality, wouldn't you be angry? Wouldn't you call for his head? Wouldn't you at least vote him out of office?

Imagine the Russians coming to your town to remove your Government. Imagine them installing a council and a "Prime Minister" to govern you. Imagine if our revolution didn't take place with our own initiatives and ambitions but was forced upon us by another government. What would our democracy look like today?

Imagine the women and children of your town being maimed and killed. Picture yourself turning on your television and seeing your President tell you that everything is O.K. Think about what it would be like if the number of attacks in your town were constantly escalating and your Mayor told you that he was in control of the situation. Can you imagine 70 brutal and deadly attacks taking place in your state on a daily basis and upon turning on your favorite news channel, you hear the commentator and the President talking about how the good things aren't being reported, when what really angers you is the fact that the majority of the attacks aren't widely reported?

Think about it.

Jesus Is Just Wrong
Topic: Satire
Jesus Is Just Wrong

The Emperor HAS Clothes
Topic: Satire
You may remember Milli Vanilli as the group who made everyone believe that they actually sang the songs that were on their albums. Most people who had a clue back then, we'll call them the slarebil group, knew the truth about Milli Vanilli. The other group that knew the truth, we'll call them the snocoen group, were the one's that produced this entire facade for profit.

You see the snocoen group was really sly and diabolical. They knew that if they put a pretty face on an ugly bunch of talented singers the public would eat it up. It was kind of like a twisted version of the story "The Emperor Has No Clothes" except this time the emperor did have clothes on, and in fact was wearing a Gucci suit.
Although in this version of the story the townspeople yelled "shutup kid your supposed to be screaming that the emperor has no clothes, so get with program".

The slarebil group on the other hand couldn't understand all the hubbub. "So what", they said, "you should buy Milli Vanilli albums because you like their music, not because you like their looks".

What the slarebil group failed to realize was not a single person who purchased a Milli Vanilli album (and there were many) were concerned with the actual music that they were listening too. They wanted their money back because all they cared about was the image that Milli Vanilli projected, and more importantly what people would think of them, the purchaser of the Milli Vanilli album.

That's the issue today. People don't want to hear the kid yelling the "emperor has clothes" because they've read the story and they know he should be yelling "The Emperor Has NO Clothes". That kid's being honest again and they don't want to hear it. Their only interested in the side that they believe creates the best image for them, and they don't care about the facts. It's not a distraction, it's a delusion.

It's just like Milli Vanilli, and this time people don't care.

Bunch Of Sensitive Guys
Topic: Satire
In response to John Kerry's girlie like statement about being sensitive, no wait, I should post the entire quote so we can see how much of a pansy he really is:

"I believe I can fight a more effective, more thoughtful, more strategic, more proactive, more sensitive war on terror that reaches out to other nations and brings them to our side and lives up to American values in history."

Pussy!

Now lets hear from those tough guys in the Bush administration:

Donald Rumsfeld said:

"we have to be sensitive, to the extent the world thinks the United States is focused on the problems in Iraq, it's conceivable that someone could make a mistake and believe that that's an opportunity for them to take an action which they otherwise would have avoided."

"sensitive to the importance of troops knowing what the rotation plan will be so they have some degree of certainty in their lives. And [they] are sensitive to the importance of the quality of their lives."

General Richard Myers said:

"We are, I think, very culturally sensitive."

"We can ask of our troops to go out there and be, on the one hand, very sensitive to cultural issues, on the other hand, be ready to respond in self-defense to a very ticklish situation, all at the same time."

General Tommy Franks said:

"Everyone from the president to Secretary Rumsfeld right through me were very sensitive, to be sure, that our operations moved ahead in Afghanistan in parallel with what we were doing in Iraq."

Attorney General John Ashcroft said:

"The United States is very sensitive about interfering in the internal politics of other countries."

"The agents and officers who conducted the interviews did so in a sensitive manner, showing full respect for the rights and dignity of the individuals being interviewed."

Vice President Dick Cheney said:

"We recognize that the presence of U.S. forces can in some cases present a burden on the local community. We're not insensitive to that. We work almost on a continual basis with the local officials to remove points of friction and reduce the extent to which problems arise in terms of those relationships."

"was very concerned about...the clash of cultures"

U.S. must "try to be sensitive."

Sen. Trent Lott agreed saying:

"I think we've made it clear we're going to be sensitive to the fact that Ramadan is the holiest month on the Muslim calendar and we will have that in mind."

President George W. Bush said:

"because America is powerful, we must be sensitive about expressing our power and influence."

"Now in terms of the balance between running down intelligence and bringing people to justice obviously is -- we need to be very sensitive on that."

You're Going Down...
Topic: Satire
I just gotta say that when...

=

...and you have a bunch of knitters pissed off at you, you know that you're doing something wrong.

Check this out, I'm nicknaming them the "militant knitters" (there not really militant but there strong nonetheless): Knitters Against Bush

Their website has a link to this great News And Observer (our hometown) newspaper article: Ten Threats To The Republic

Just Nuke Em'
Topic: Satire

... that is all, carry on.